Sometimes You Have to Let Life Fall Apart.

Hey hi hello everyone…oh how I have missed writing to you every day! But after a crazy three months I am back and better than ever. In all honesty I had no motivation to write or do anything the least bit creative. Since I have already shared so much of my life on this platform I might as well be transparent now. My life basically fell apart over the past few months, and in that time I learned more than I ever have before.

Life is not a straight path and as hard as I try to plan out every single detail, something always changes. Let’s be straight…the world is currently going to shit and when it comes to a global pandemic , there really isn’t much controlling that. This whole quarantine thing really affected my relationship with my significant other. Without sharing too many personal details, there was a time where I was completely alone and my partner was unable to support me. This made me question my future plans I had made with my partner and I really had to evaluate myself as a person.
We often get so caught up in the world around us and how we are going to deal with it that we don’t always acknowledge what our partner might be dealing with privately. Contrary to popular belief, you can be in a healthy relationship and still choose not to share things with the other person.
Well in my case my significant other was struggling and I was too busy with other things to notice.
We didn’t speak for 6 weeks while he finished up school and I dealt with some personal issues .
Was it ideal? No.
Was there a better way to deal with the problem? Absolutely.
But like I said before, you can’t always control every aspect of your life.
The six weeks were incredibly hard for me. Not knowing what the future held, having to be by myself way more that I have ever been used to…learning how to be alone in a world that was rapidly changing.

I struggled mentally and physically more than I ever have. I struggled to eat, I lost a lot of weight. I struggled to keep my thoughts positive in such a negative time. I was definitely not the poster child for dealing with stress in a healthy way. I am not proud of it but it helped me learn what not to do in a situation I have no control over.
It’s been awhile since I’ve been alone, I forgot how to do it. And probably the best thing to come out of this situation for me personally was finding my Independence again.
My partner is a very independent person, he enjoys being alone more than in groups. I am also independent but can easily become dependent on things that make me happy, rather than taking the time to figure out how I could make myself happy.
In the process of learning more about myself, I realized I do have some toxic traits to work on.
Well I had a whole six weeks to learn about myself and for the first time in a long time I was content being alone.
After weeks of minimal conversation, we spoke again. It wasnt the most ideal seeing as I had just been released from the ER after having an asthma attack. He called me to talk things out. We were on the phone for round 3 hours, after this phone call my partner and I came to the conclusion that we could be alone…but we wanted to be together.
We agreed on things we wanted to change and found ways to make them work, spending more time alone together than in social situations or with each others families. I will be honest , we still spend quite a lot of time with his family but we make sure to find time to enjoy each others company in private.
Our arguments are not huge fights like they used to be and we actually apologize to each other immediately, not when the next fight brings up old scenarios.
People kept telling me that my partner and I not talking, being blocked on social media and the uncertainty of the situation was toxic. But let me ask you this…is six weeks without someone a lot when you are talking about a lifetime with them? No it’s not. And if you can trust that what comes out of it will be the best for the both you, why not do it ? Our generation is so caught up in constant communication and no privacy that we get so worked up over days without speaking to someone. I for one cannot spend every second of everyday with anyone, thats just my personality and it’s completely valid.
Tons of girls I spoke to about my situation immediately told me to leave him, that I was too good for him…but why? Because for the sake of his college career and mental health during a time period and events no one has ever experienced he needed space? You’re telling me that if it were the other way around you would tell him to leave me? That’s not the type of relationship I want to be in. I want a relationship where I feel supported and my partner feels loved in whatever way THEY WANT, not how I feel they should be.
I am in no way trying to excuse toxic behavior. I recognized what was happening wasn’t a healthy situation but instead of cancelling anything that doesn’t go my way, I waited it out and gave him the benefit of the doubt…I mean for Christ’s sake we are treading in unknown territory right now.
Not only did my relationship fall apart completely for a short period of time, my mental and physical health along with my normal routine of life…also collapsed.
But after a long three months my life is finally coming together…better than before. My relationship is healthier than ever, my mental health is doing well and the world is starting to figure it’s shit out.
I spend more time alone and actually enjoy it. My boyfriend understands when I need space and I give him his space as well. We still spend a lot of time together but its a conscious choice now.
My health isn’t where I want it to be quite yet, but I am working on it. I am more focused on how I am feeling than the body or weight I want to obtain…but some days are harder than others.
Mentally I still get very anxious constantly but once life is more normal again I will probably start seeing a therapist again. Its okay to admit you need help and are seeking advice!
Like I said, life isn’t back to normal yet but were getting there. Resilience and strength is key to continue moving forward!

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